Gazing at absolute strangers is one of my favorite activites when I go on a holiday.  perhaps it is an inner poet or novelist screaming through my imagination that allows me to conjure up such fascinating backgrounds and mindsets of the people I meet but do not know.

As I was waiting for the lights to turn on the corner of a street in Minneapolis on Wednesday, I happened to look into a SUV and see a visage that immediately became a character in a most facinating piece of art my mind painted. He was in disbelief as he drove to a pub; his father had died the evening before and he had not arrived in time to see him. What he was in search for was quite like many grieving people, noise and distraction from the emotions of the moment. He found it in that bar talking to people about the mudane and everday. And he went home.

The problem is for once reality gave me an end to the story that is far more facinating horrible than depressed exsistance. A bridge collapsed. He could have been one of the people there. He could be one of the injured. or one of the dead. But nothing is set in stone or controlled. Niether in imagination or in reality.

Today I am going to write with out numbers. I just can't focus enough to do it. I really can't explain.

I feel like a burden to my parents. They do so much for me, and I really do appreciate it. But then I have to go do something stupid like mess up my shoulder and then have to have an MRI. I don't like being the expensive child.

Along this same line, I am getting very depressed lately. I think it is mostly because I am on three hundred drugs and I can't sleep, but I just wish that I could be done seeing doctors and just be happy again. This is ruining my summer.

Most important to me lately is to be writing. While I should be working on my yearbook writing, I have actually been working on short stories lately. I have a terrible guilt complex though, and every time I sit down and write I feel like I should be doing something else more productive.

I just feel insanely low today, but it will pass. I've just got three more hours of work, an hour of PT, and then I can go home and sleep. Hopefully.

I will try to write more when I am more blasé and less stressed.

Ok, forcing yourself to write is not fun, but I am determined to get back into my old routine of writing. It is my way of defragging my mind, but I don't do it often enough.

Number one today:

I need to work on my yearbook pages! I have still got about three pages to do, but I have no ambition to actually work on them because we still don't have a deadline. I get nothing done without pressure.

I do not buy yearbooks, at least I haven't yet. I suppose this connects to me never taking pictures either. I don't know why but photos mean very little to me. I never remember to pass out my head shots at school either. Perhaps the reason I hate photography is because it is so realistic. You click the button, chemical reactions occur and moments of your life are recorded on film. Once you develop that film your memories of those moments look just like the photos you see. How depressing is that? I love to romanticize my past and experiences. In my mind's eye I can blur the edges of reality or exaggerate the world I saw. Photos are real, actual, and deflate my imagination. I do not really see this relationship in my mind as good or bad (which is a label that seems to have to be applied to so much of life). I just don't enjoy photos...or yearbooks.

Number two

Read. One word people: READ! Just go do it.

Now as you sit there reading the bold type you may be saying, "Well Meg I'm reading your blog right now, isn't that enough?"

While I could say yes because my writing is so fabulous that it counts among the greats of classic literature, the answer is no.

I just got back into my old swing of reading books for fun. This year I tapered off from reading books and just read news online, news magazines, newspapers...etc. You get the picture. So I swore to myself at the beginning of the summer I would read at least one book. I am on book number three right now. AND I FEEL FANTASTIC! I forgot how much I love stories and spacing out, how much I enjoy suspending my disbelief and falling in love with the characters.

Books are just kick ass. So everyone who reads this, go read a book! Whatever kind you like, but find something you enjoy and read it and let your mind have some time to wander. Now moving on because my lunch break is getting close to over and I still need to write number three.

Number three

So after my last rant about men I feel the need to perhaps restate and correct in case it wasn't clear. I don't hate all men, or even hate any men, I just and supremely unimpressed by the decorum of some that I know. Not that I am always impressed by the women either, it's just that the men have been doing a spectacular job of being asses lately.

I really do not care what they do to themselves, but I do hope that I can go through life without developing a mental block about certain people just because of a few bad days. So perhaps this is the message of point number three: to all the men I may every meet, sorry if I am a bitch when I meet you, but it was probably just the jerk before you who turned me off. Haha, if only.

Well that's looking like the best I can do with ten minutes . Someday soon, I promise you, and intelligent blog will be coming your way. (yes I know how empty my promise sounds since I've yet to turn anything intelligent out thus far, but wait for it. It is coming...)

So, as I sit here over lunch break, I am finding the three part blog a difficult idea. I can't really come up with one, but I guess I'll try.

numero uno: 

I am going to Connecticut and Tennessee! (with my fingers crossed)

Right now the plans are under way that I go visit my aunts and uncles both in Nashville and New Haven. I am super psyched! I know that I will have the money. My mom already said I can go. I really, truly want this.

But I'm hesitating.

"Why is that, Meg?" you ask.

Well shut up and I'll tell you! Just kidding.

I guess the thing that bothers me is whenever I am happy or get to do something that makes me happy, my sister seems to unhappy, with me specifically. This summer has been really difficult having her back home. Sharing a room is hard sometimes, but generally it works out ok. It is the rest of my life with her that has been making me angry. I feel like she looks down on me for being irresponsible. She is so concerned with judging other people sometimes that she refuses to look at her relationships. Just the other day she was telling me about her friend and her dating issues and she was practically patronizing this woman for her choices. It just aggravates me.

She expects so much from me, and I already expect a lot from myself. I have never felt pressure from my parents or my other two siblings, but she makes me feel inadequate a lot of the time. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate my sister. I wouldn’t even say I'm actually angry with her. I'm just disappointed that I can't make her happy, and that she can't share in my happiness. I can't even joke with her any more because she just flies up in my face. But if I sound the least bit annoyed when I say something she yells at me for my "tone of voice".

AGH! Ok, so now my random yelling can end. Please do not post millions of remedies for my family issues. This is just my safe place for venting. I can't even fill in all the details to make this all make sense I just need to let off a bit for myself.

So, number two:

Men. Wait let me rephrase: boys. I am tired of the shit being thrown around by some of the guys around here. They treat girls like shit, they treat each other like shit, they treat themselves like shit. I, in turn, look at them like piles of shit because that is how they often behave.

So ends my random misandry rant.

And now ladies and gentlemen, door number three:

Since numbers one and two were not much fun, let's move on to a joyous discussion. Meg needs to start studying for her SAT and SAT II's. So much joy in the air I am suffocating, oh wait, I am actually just hyperventilating because I am worried. It isn't like I am not going to get into college somewhere, it is just that I rarely have major ambitions, and college is one thing I care about. I want a new experience. I want to take a leap and go out there. I am so excited. I can't wait for my senior year because this is the year where I start putting all the puzzle pieces in place and completing my picture. (Also adding to the joy, our history teacher is leaving, which just makes school seem a little more happy)

Ok so this blog has been very poorly written and full of useless information. I assure you though, that my brain is feeling vast amounts of relief now from this dump of crap on to the internet blog scene.

*silence* ! and then a strange noise from the closet behind me!

So, in the spirit of starting blogging again I have decided on giving my self three part blogs. Perhaps later they will have a theme to them, today however I just feel like giving random thoughts (aka, I have nothing of note to tell you today).

#1:

I have often read about reoccurring dreams. There is only one I can ever remember having. I was about six I think, and all I remember was a black background with the same image repeated in patters with different primary colors. However, recently I have been having dreams that are not directly related, just similar in style. Just as you can tell certain movie directors by the style of their filming, these dreams are obviously viewed through the same lens. The topic matter has been greatly varied from dream to dream. The only theme I have found thus far is that none of the dreams occur at my home.

I love have dreams though. The best movies I have ever seen are the ones that are just dreams in my mind.

#2:

New topic: Work! Which is where I am right now, and is quite thrilling. Cleaning air vents does something for your soul I am sure; gives you that eerie shiver down your spine anyways. Though that may be attributed to inhaling too many cleaners and dust over the past weeks. "Break time" right now, so this blog is entirely guilt free, even if my cleaning mood has been rather slacking this week.

#3:

Time is passing which is, of course, a shocking thing because never before in my life has time done anything besides sit on the couch and yell for more beer. I cannot believe June is reaching its ending point. It is sad because the summer is my favorite time, but I also now feel as though my life has a pretty good rhythm to it for the summer so I can get started on some of my goals for the summer. I have about five books I want to read. Most of all I want to take a trip again this summer. I'll be going to MN for a baseball game in August, but I would really like to take some other kind of break by myself instead of just with my family.

Though, I really wouldn't pass up on time with my family for anything anymore. I just wish there was some way that we could be more like we were before. I have realized as my siblings and I have grown up we do not have as much in common. It is very heart breaking in someway, but in others a relief to know that you are a separate entity meant to go out into the world and be you. Oh of all the things to call bittersweet, family will always top the list for me I am afraid.

Well, time to get back to work. I hope that I will find more interesting things to blog about, and I hope that the river proves to be an icy plunge when I go to it this weekend. Odd things coincide in hopes... and dreams.

MK